This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Stockport Grammar School is an educational establishment somewhere in
the middle of the islands called Britain, founded in 1487 by a
cattle-rustler from London Town (not to be confused with London City, which
is the same place -- London City is 500 years older and smells
much the same) named Edmund Shaa, who insisted it be established in
memory of his Fader, Moder and Childrenne. It was originally thought
that this poor illiterate sheep-chaser had been referring to his family,
but it is now realised that he was the Nostradamus of Unpopular Kitchen
Appliances.
The school has changed location many times since it began, partly for
educational reasons and partly to accomodate increasing numbers of pupils,
but mainly to accomodate the increasing size of the pupils, as was the
fashion in respectable late nineteenth and early twentieth century
households. As late as 1911, a Chemistry practical lesson managed to
conclusively prove that a Third Year named Barnsley "Barnhouse" Botchley --
Biggins had such an immense mass that he was generating his own
gravitational field. Botchley-Biggins was nearly expelled in 1912 when it
was alleged that he had used this gravitational field to an unfair
advantage in a soccer match, but when it was later discovered that he had
tied the ball to his foot with a piece of string, he got off lightly with a
beating and public humiliation.
The school did not become co-educational until as late as the 1970s.
Initially this caused a great deal of disorientation amongst the older
schoolmasters, who for several years afterwards continued to beat all women
out of the school premises with large sticks. Certain measures were taken
to help accomodate pupils of the alternative gender, including the building
of Home Economics classrooms, where the boys can still hide today if the
girls are being too dangerous at hockey.
Sport is strongly encouraged in the school, with the systematic weekly
humiliation by older, bigger and stronger people forming a key part of each
pupil's education. Whilst the school is proud of its histories in rugby,
cricket and lacrosse, and has a remarkable display of large padding, even
larger protective clothing and extremely large plastercasts to prove it,
"alternative" sports are widely available, and previously unathletic new
pupils may quickly find themselves excelling in unexpected fields, such as
basketball, volleyball, tennis, or hiding from scary P.E. teachers.
The school is also proud of its academic record, with many of its pupils
achieving high grades in externally moderated exams and tests, such as
A-levels, GCSEs, and Grade 3 Xylophone Theory. Very few pupils have been
confirmed as dying of stress-related mental disorders and the majority of
school attendees have found the examinations room by the end of their time
in the school.
Anyone wishing to know more about the school is advised to volunteer as an
Open Day Guinea-Pig. The Open Day Studies are subtle and carefully planned
scientific experiments, during which selected pupils at the school are
exposed to human beings from the real world, in order to see how the pupils
react and cope with such unpredictable stimuli. Many of the pupils fare
well, often merely losing the power of speech and forgetting their way
around familiar surroundings. Some are not so lucky, however, and when
faced with difficult questionning ("what do you like about this school?"
or "what kind of thing do you learn?") have been known to faint, suffocate,
shrink to half their original height, or, in some extreme cases, explode.
Interstellar visitors to the establishment should note that a Visitor's
Badge system operates on the premises. In order to counter an increasing
occurrence of theft from school property, all visitors should report to
the Main Office, where they are issued with a numbered Visitor's Badge; all
pupils are under strict instruction that anyone seen wearing neither
school uniform nor Visitor's Badge should be shot on sight, and asked
searching questions later. Unless they look like a groundsman. Or a
parent. Or an obscure Economics teacher. Or they just look friendly. Or
if there's more than two of them, in which case the teachers are too
scared to approach them anyway. Visitors time-travelling to before 1995
will require a large yellow plastic block with the number "5" engraved on
it in black, that should rattle in an embarrassing manner and be audible
from 300 yards. Visitors to the school 1996-2005 will require small shiny
bendy red plastic, providing it is illegible from 3 yards. Visitors from
Autumn Term 2005 onwards are advised to wear heavy protective clothing
because they will just be shot at.
Visitors will not be required to bring their own food, since the amicable
dinner ladies are happy to serve anyone, although those not in school
uniform should use the teachers' food area and sit amongst other
teachers. If this persona does not suit you, you could alternatively
imitate either German exchange visitors (sitting alone in the corner
because everybody's too embarrassed to speak to you) or History teachers
(repeatedly sitting as near to attractive Fifth Form girls as possible in a
blatantly dodgy way). If the Dining Hall atmosphere is completely against
your liking, eat a First Year. If your appetite is low and you can't
manage a whole one, gain favour by sharing the carcass around the Staff
Common Room.
Stockport Grammar School provides an entertaining visit for the life-weary
or easily-amused traveller, especially during lunchtimes when rampant Music
teachers are allowed to dictate the moment of every pupil, and throughout
the day in the Sixth Form Common Rooms, where bruised and battered young
adults compare wounds and provide profound insight into the meanings of
pain. Recommended.