This article is classified "Real"
The dangers of Passive Smoking have been known for a good few years now.
Passive Smoking can cause lung cancer, bronchitis and heart disease, just
like Active Smoking, but tastes bloody awful. Theorizing that Passive
Drinking might be possible, I carefully conducted the following experiment.
Materials Used
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14 pounds sterling
1 public house
8 pints of Guinness
A large proportion of a Sunday Night
Preparation
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The sum of fourteen pounds sterling was withdrawn from my bank account, and
upon arrival in the public house was exchanged for eight pints of Guinness.
The drinks were then place upon the bar.
Experiment and Observations
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The Experiment commenced at 20.00 hours. At fifteen minute intervals, a
measurement of intoxication was taken, by attempting to say the phrase
"She sells sea shells on the sea shore" three times, until two hours had
elapsed. The results are recorded below.
Time Intoxication Notes
----- ------------ ---------------------------------------------
20.00 None Experiment Starts.
20.15 None Funny looks from bar staff.
20.30 None More funny looks.
20.45 None Asked, "What on Earth are you doing?"
21.00 None Attempted Drink Theft occurs
21.15 None Start to find lack of intoxication disturbing
21.30 None Looking forward to finishing this
21.45 None Oh no, the DJ is playing Madness
22.00 None Experiment terminated.
Conclusion
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From the above results, it can be determined that passive drinking is:
1) Safe
2) Utterly Pointless
Addendum
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The experiment did, however, present one small problem. What can you do
with eight pints of Guinness, with only 30 minutes to closing time, and
still be able to walk home?