This article is classified "Real"
Here are some handy hints to remember if you're planning on having a
party:
1) Don't have one. You'll be regretting it for the rest of
your life, as every day you'll find another piece of rubbish
or a stain you hadn't seen before.
2) Keep control of the music. Don't let the alcoholic
headbanger of the party take over or you'll have wall to
wall heavy metal all evening as he gets completely pissed
and lies in the garden, still banging his head on the garden
path to the Slayer album someone was irresponsible enough to
bring along.
3) Make sure no-one strays from the garden into the house.
Grass is easier to clean than carpet, and is considerably
cheaper, even if you do have to mow it.
4) Don't let any electrical engineering students do the
lighting. You could end up electrocuting ten people and
blacking-out the state.
5) If you're going to have a barbecue, make sure there's
someone sober around who knows how to try to work it. Try
not to let any intoxicated persons near the gas supply or
the matches.
6) Do not let people who can't cook, cook.
7) When using party sparklers, do not wave them at passing
aircraft, particularly when in the vicinity of an airport.
8) Always have a conversation starter ready for the dreaded
and inevitable lull during the early stages of the party
when everyone sits around talking quietly. Experts have
identified a condition known as Sudden Party Global
Quietness, whereby everyone suddenly and unexpectedly stops
talking at once, leaving the loud music and the quiet
headbanging from the garden as the only sounds in the
otherwise silent darkness.
9) Try to prevent lights exploding.
10) Do not, on any account, let in people that you don't
know. Especially if they look like intergalactic hitchhikers
-- they always cause trouble. Subject all entrants to
interrogation, search, and "identify the host" procedures.
11) Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger
bring along his baseball bat.
12) Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger
and his baseball bat get into arguments with other guests,
no matter how trivial or insignificant these arguments might
seem to be at first glance.
13) Do not encourage those possessing baseball bats to go
clubbing.
14) Have someone ready to turn the electricity off at the
fusebox to plunge the house into darkness and silence the
moment there is any hint of the constabulary being in the
immediate vicinity. And hope they don't hear a hundred
people screaming "What happened to the lights?" "I can't
see a thing!" and "Whoever that is, get your hand off me!"
15) Keep your pets safe out of harm's way. They will
probably agree with this.
16) Purchase plenty of provisions in advance so that people
don't have to get lost somewhere in suburbia for hours in
search of an open bottle shop.
17) To deal with the neighbors, either buy them a family
pack of earplugs or invite them to get sloshed with everyone
else.